So yesterday I had this five minute interview at the local radio station on helmet safety, which is sort of my "baby" since I run the child safety program that our ambulance service sponsors. I was roped into being on the radio by my friend and coworker Chris, who is passionate like I am about child safety, except that I suspect she actually IS passionate about it, whereas with me it depends on what time of day it is whether I give a shit or not. At 10 AM I am all, let's get all these little munchkins wearing helmets damnit! And at 2 PM I'm just like, what, another idiot without a helmet rolled their ATV? Bring it on.
I'm kidding, of course. Well, mostly. I was nervous as hell about being on the radio but at least I got to see the questions beforehand and I was totally prepared with my research (which means I skimmed over a brochure I wrote at least a year ago, which is surprisingly well put together and my statistics are spot-on.)So even though they tried to trick me with questions like "why do we need kids to wear helmets now? we all grew up without them" I came right back with "well you never wore seatbelts when you were a kid either, did you, dumbass, but we all know now that seatbelts save lives!"
That is pretty much verbatim except for the dumbass comment, that was just in my head. Since it was early in the morning I was in full-on soap-box mode, though the truth is yes, I rode a bicycle for 2 years that didnt even have a seat and I rode from Northern MN to Mexico in the back window of my dad's station wagon, and look how fabulous I turned out. Most of my generation grew up drinking out of the watering trough and eating lead-based paint off the walls, which is probably why most of us are socially awkward and live on Prozac, but riding around in the back of pickup trucks didnt kill us.
Actually the show hosts were charming ladies and it all went very smoothly and overall I think we kicked ass. They are now talking about having us (Chris and I) on the show on a regular basis to talk about different safety topics. I think it would be totally cool. I was actually surprised when Bob told me he listened to the show and said I sounded very professional. I guess that's because he couldnt hear all the "dumbass" comments going off in my head, which made it kind of murky for me. What would be TOTALLY cool is if we could have a show where we could say whatever we wanted and talk about the idiots we see in the ER on a regular basis, but I'm not sure if this town is ready for that kind of show yet.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
summer is gone
The damp,sticky heat and the deep green leaves on the birches are gone. The long, lazy afternoons watching the hummingbirds feed and listening to the buzz of the bees in the raspberry bushes are gone. And something is wrong with me.
I never know why or when it happens. It has been a part of my makeup ever since I can remember. The sadness I feel is indescribable. At the mere mention of something out of the ordinary the panic begins to thicken in my throat and there is no where for me to go, no where for me to escape the anxiety I feel for such a trivial thing. I want to cry, I want to scream, but none of these emotions will come. I no longer find any pleasure in things that I love, and I want to, it just isnt there.
I want to say this is all caused by the monumental stress in my life. But I have always survived monumental stress, since I was born, I have lived with the fear of rejection, the fear of punishment, the fear of being lost, the fear of being abandoned... the list could go on and on. So why now, as an educated adult, are these fears paralyzing me?
I wish I knew.
The greatest fear of all is that this is something that will eventually take over me, and I will have no control. I struggle every day for control. I force myself to get up for a job that I love, because I cannot bear the thought of another day or going through the motions and no miracle will happen. I long for a miracle. Not a big one. Just something that will let me know, "you are needed here," or "you are wanted here," so I have a reason to be there.
Because right now the only reason I have for being here at all is my two beautiful children. They are the reason I go to work, to feed and clothe them. They are the reason I wake up, to see their smiles. They are the reason I go to soccer,and Cinderella auditions,and Girl Scouts and t-ball.
My anxiety is,will I always be here? whatwill happen if I do not stay in remission? It is very easy for those who have never been there to say, dont think like that, but unless you have been in my shoes, dont tell me what or how to rationalize.
They will go on without me and they will live amazing, wonderful productive lives. They may even get a new mommy who is wonderful and kind and loves them as much as any new mommy ever could.
But they would be doing it without me. And that's what makes me cry.
I never know why or when it happens. It has been a part of my makeup ever since I can remember. The sadness I feel is indescribable. At the mere mention of something out of the ordinary the panic begins to thicken in my throat and there is no where for me to go, no where for me to escape the anxiety I feel for such a trivial thing. I want to cry, I want to scream, but none of these emotions will come. I no longer find any pleasure in things that I love, and I want to, it just isnt there.
I want to say this is all caused by the monumental stress in my life. But I have always survived monumental stress, since I was born, I have lived with the fear of rejection, the fear of punishment, the fear of being lost, the fear of being abandoned... the list could go on and on. So why now, as an educated adult, are these fears paralyzing me?
I wish I knew.
The greatest fear of all is that this is something that will eventually take over me, and I will have no control. I struggle every day for control. I force myself to get up for a job that I love, because I cannot bear the thought of another day or going through the motions and no miracle will happen. I long for a miracle. Not a big one. Just something that will let me know, "you are needed here," or "you are wanted here," so I have a reason to be there.
Because right now the only reason I have for being here at all is my two beautiful children. They are the reason I go to work, to feed and clothe them. They are the reason I wake up, to see their smiles. They are the reason I go to soccer,and Cinderella auditions,and Girl Scouts and t-ball.
My anxiety is,will I always be here? whatwill happen if I do not stay in remission? It is very easy for those who have never been there to say, dont think like that, but unless you have been in my shoes, dont tell me what or how to rationalize.
They will go on without me and they will live amazing, wonderful productive lives. They may even get a new mommy who is wonderful and kind and loves them as much as any new mommy ever could.
But they would be doing it without me. And that's what makes me cry.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
in case the rest of you were wondering too
As I was dropping off a blood sample in the lab today, the tech stopped me before I was walking out the door.
"Wait a minute!"
I turned around. "Yeah?"
She was eyeing me shrewdly. "There's something weird about you. Something different."
I was stumped. "Ummm...." I looked at the other tech, who seemed just as baffled as I was. "Ok?"
"I got it!" She finally exclaimed. "You have hair!"
So that's it, folks. That's why I've been looking hot lately.
"Wait a minute!"
I turned around. "Yeah?"
She was eyeing me shrewdly. "There's something weird about you. Something different."
I was stumped. "Ummm...." I looked at the other tech, who seemed just as baffled as I was. "Ok?"
"I got it!" She finally exclaimed. "You have hair!"
So that's it, folks. That's why I've been looking hot lately.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
somebody punch me
Ok, note to self: no more posting when you are on a self-pity binge. Ugh. That was so gay. I'm surprised I don't have comments telling me to shut up. Nobody likes whiners.
Today has been awesome. I met a friend at Pincushion mountain and we did a 2 mile hike with our kids, my two-year-old pooped out quickly so most of the walk was with him on my shoulders, but it was so worth it. The weather is HOT for this time of year, so of course I'm sweating bullets.
Now I'm out on the deck drinking bloody marys while Cade takes a nap and Emma is at the lake jet-skiing with a friend. Life is good.
PS: please ignore the whiner posts. I would take them down, but I'm lazy and you never know when I might need them for an insanity plea.
Today has been awesome. I met a friend at Pincushion mountain and we did a 2 mile hike with our kids, my two-year-old pooped out quickly so most of the walk was with him on my shoulders, but it was so worth it. The weather is HOT for this time of year, so of course I'm sweating bullets.
Now I'm out on the deck drinking bloody marys while Cade takes a nap and Emma is at the lake jet-skiing with a friend. Life is good.
PS: please ignore the whiner posts. I would take them down, but I'm lazy and you never know when I might need them for an insanity plea.
did I mention this week sucked
So it is Saturday, and I have never been so happy to see the end of a work week. Every day this past week I had thought I wasn't going to make it - I was exausted from overtime and really having a lot of pain issues - even more than usual. I had thought, however irrational it may seem, that once I was done with chemo my pain would go away. This has not been the case. In fact, *this* week, it felt worse.
Before cancer, I prided myself on having a high tolerance for pain. I recovered from a broken back in my early twenties which resulted in chronic back pain that I have always managed well. I bore two children naturally, for heaven's sake. So it came as quite a surprise to me that chemo could reduce me to such a sniveling, pathetic hot mess.
Pain can make me kind of snarky, too. Yesterday I told my husband I had made plans for us today which involved a picnic on the Shore in my hometown, and of course the first thing that came to his mind was our last attempt at picnicking there years ago.
"Oh, you just want me to get stung by hornets again," he groused.
"We can only hope," I said.
Did I mention I am glad Thursday is over? I was dreading it all week. After a long 10 hours at work fit-testing my colleagues for respirator masks, I had to rush over to the school and set up a booth for open house. After carting all my boxes of shit in, I realized I had forgotten the one thing I usually always have on my person - tape. The nice young man setting up a Boy Scouts table next to mine offered me his.
"Thank you," I said. "By the way, how old do you have to be to join Boy Scouts?"
"First grade," he replied.
"Really? What about two-year-olds?"
He laughed, a little nervously.
"No seriously. Can't you make an exception?"
Well it's finally over (I know I said that already) and, it wasn't really that bad, looking back. If you don't count the brutal back-to-back ambulance transfers I almost fell asleep at the wheel on and the two mini-breakdowns midweek. Or the emotional conversation with my plastic surgeon. But that's another story.
Honestly? It *was* that bad. Until my sister called. Somehow, after an hour and a half sitting in the late afternoon sun while bawling my eyes out over the phone, I am better. Now I can calmly take next week.
I love you, sis.
Before cancer, I prided myself on having a high tolerance for pain. I recovered from a broken back in my early twenties which resulted in chronic back pain that I have always managed well. I bore two children naturally, for heaven's sake. So it came as quite a surprise to me that chemo could reduce me to such a sniveling, pathetic hot mess.
Pain can make me kind of snarky, too. Yesterday I told my husband I had made plans for us today which involved a picnic on the Shore in my hometown, and of course the first thing that came to his mind was our last attempt at picnicking there years ago.
"Oh, you just want me to get stung by hornets again," he groused.
"We can only hope," I said.
Did I mention I am glad Thursday is over? I was dreading it all week. After a long 10 hours at work fit-testing my colleagues for respirator masks, I had to rush over to the school and set up a booth for open house. After carting all my boxes of shit in, I realized I had forgotten the one thing I usually always have on my person - tape. The nice young man setting up a Boy Scouts table next to mine offered me his.
"Thank you," I said. "By the way, how old do you have to be to join Boy Scouts?"
"First grade," he replied.
"Really? What about two-year-olds?"
He laughed, a little nervously.
"No seriously. Can't you make an exception?"
Well it's finally over (I know I said that already) and, it wasn't really that bad, looking back. If you don't count the brutal back-to-back ambulance transfers I almost fell asleep at the wheel on and the two mini-breakdowns midweek. Or the emotional conversation with my plastic surgeon. But that's another story.
Honestly? It *was* that bad. Until my sister called. Somehow, after an hour and a half sitting in the late afternoon sun while bawling my eyes out over the phone, I am better. Now I can calmly take next week.
I love you, sis.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Read of the Day
I didn't write this, but it is so awesome I wish I had.
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but
doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this.Do not
stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY* the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* the act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water! This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. This can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall l is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee... Try
using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AW ARE OF~
The King Poop = this kind is the kind of poop that killed! Elvis. It
doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = you poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = you wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush,
it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually
happens at someone else's house.
The Bungee Poop = the kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before
it falls into the water...
The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so
long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = the kind of poop that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = the giant poop you take at a party. And when you
flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but
doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this.Do not
stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY* the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* the act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water! This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. This can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall l is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee... Try
using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AW ARE OF~
The King Poop = this kind is the kind of poop that killed! Elvis. It
doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = you poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = you wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush,
it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually
happens at someone else's house.
The Bungee Poop = the kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before
it falls into the water...
The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so
long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = the kind of poop that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = the giant poop you take at a party. And when you
flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
Monday, September 14, 2009
Blue
I'm not feeling very chipper today. I'm just a little pissed with myself because, once again, I am playing catch-up and it's exausting. I have a booth at the school's open house this week (thurs) that I basically have NOTHING prepared for, late last week I got the lovely assignment of fit-testing all 164 of our employees for the N95 respirator masks, I haven't studied at ALL for my written exam - and wednesday I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon to discuss my reconstructive breast surgery.
I am just a tad nervous about that last one one.
I hate that I am such a procrastinator. But I can never seem to stop my self-destructing behavior. I put things off til the last minute or I over-schedule so I don't have enough time to get things done *right*. Help us!
I was all cocky earlier today, whipping through a project on my desk thinking I would even finish and sneak out of work early- then a 911 went out for someone who had fallen off a 30 ft cliff. It took us 30 minutes to get to the scene 27 miles away because of road construction. The patient turned out to be OK, but we packaged him and transported anyway because he was 80, and had multiple lacerations that needed cleaning too.
Back in the ER, the nurse asked me to take vitals on another patient in bed C because she couldn't get a blood pressure on the guy. He had one - 124/74 - but by the time I got done giving him shit, it was 15 minutes later and I still had my rig to gas up, wash and O2 tanks to swap. By the time I got back in the ambulance bay, almost everyone else had left for the day shift, so I turned the radio up and the hose on.
I was so frickin tired after washing that beast, and pretty much soaked to the skin from sweat and spray from the hose, when I got back to my desk and saw my abandoned work from earlier, I just groaned.
Oh well. It will still be there at 0600 tomorrow. It was just 17 minutes shy of 1800 when I finally punched out. Not a terribly long day, but long enough.
Now supper is over, my daughter is doing her homework on one side of me, and my son is curled up on the other watching Scooby doo. There are a million things that need to be done. But I can't, not right now.
Because I don't want to regret *not* doing this. Watching my daughter read, I feel regret for all of the things I have left undone, today, over the years... A million things I never did right. But right here there are two that I did, and they are perfect.
I am just a tad nervous about that last one one.
I hate that I am such a procrastinator. But I can never seem to stop my self-destructing behavior. I put things off til the last minute or I over-schedule so I don't have enough time to get things done *right*. Help us!
I was all cocky earlier today, whipping through a project on my desk thinking I would even finish and sneak out of work early- then a 911 went out for someone who had fallen off a 30 ft cliff. It took us 30 minutes to get to the scene 27 miles away because of road construction. The patient turned out to be OK, but we packaged him and transported anyway because he was 80, and had multiple lacerations that needed cleaning too.
Back in the ER, the nurse asked me to take vitals on another patient in bed C because she couldn't get a blood pressure on the guy. He had one - 124/74 - but by the time I got done giving him shit, it was 15 minutes later and I still had my rig to gas up, wash and O2 tanks to swap. By the time I got back in the ambulance bay, almost everyone else had left for the day shift, so I turned the radio up and the hose on.
I was so frickin tired after washing that beast, and pretty much soaked to the skin from sweat and spray from the hose, when I got back to my desk and saw my abandoned work from earlier, I just groaned.
Oh well. It will still be there at 0600 tomorrow. It was just 17 minutes shy of 1800 when I finally punched out. Not a terribly long day, but long enough.
Now supper is over, my daughter is doing her homework on one side of me, and my son is curled up on the other watching Scooby doo. There are a million things that need to be done. But I can't, not right now.
Because I don't want to regret *not* doing this. Watching my daughter read, I feel regret for all of the things I have left undone, today, over the years... A million things I never did right. But right here there are two that I did, and they are perfect.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)