Wednesday, October 14, 2009

another reason why I should not be in social media

So yesterday I had this five minute interview at the local radio station on helmet safety, which is sort of my "baby" since I run the child safety program that our ambulance service sponsors. I was roped into being on the radio by my friend and coworker Chris, who is passionate like I am about child safety, except that I suspect she actually IS passionate about it, whereas with me it depends on what time of day it is whether I give a shit or not. At 10 AM I am all, let's get all these little munchkins wearing helmets damnit! And at 2 PM I'm just like, what, another idiot without a helmet rolled their ATV? Bring it on.
I'm kidding, of course. Well, mostly. I was nervous as hell about being on the radio but at least I got to see the questions beforehand and I was totally prepared with my research (which means I skimmed over a brochure I wrote at least a year ago, which is surprisingly well put together and my statistics are spot-on.)So even though they tried to trick me with questions like "why do we need kids to wear helmets now? we all grew up without them" I came right back with "well you never wore seatbelts when you were a kid either, did you, dumbass, but we all know now that seatbelts save lives!"
That is pretty much verbatim except for the dumbass comment, that was just in my head. Since it was early in the morning I was in full-on soap-box mode, though the truth is yes, I rode a bicycle for 2 years that didnt even have a seat and I rode from Northern MN to Mexico in the back window of my dad's station wagon, and look how fabulous I turned out. Most of my generation grew up drinking out of the watering trough and eating lead-based paint off the walls, which is probably why most of us are socially awkward and live on Prozac, but riding around in the back of pickup trucks didnt kill us.
Actually the show hosts were charming ladies and it all went very smoothly and overall I think we kicked ass. They are now talking about having us (Chris and I) on the show on a regular basis to talk about different safety topics. I think it would be totally cool. I was actually surprised when Bob told me he listened to the show and said I sounded very professional. I guess that's because he couldnt hear all the "dumbass" comments going off in my head, which made it kind of murky for me. What would be TOTALLY cool is if we could have a show where we could say whatever we wanted and talk about the idiots we see in the ER on a regular basis, but I'm not sure if this town is ready for that kind of show yet.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

summer is gone

The damp,sticky heat and the deep green leaves on the birches are gone. The long, lazy afternoons watching the hummingbirds feed and listening to the buzz of the bees in the raspberry bushes are gone. And something is wrong with me.
I never know why or when it happens. It has been a part of my makeup ever since I can remember. The sadness I feel is indescribable. At the mere mention of something out of the ordinary the panic begins to thicken in my throat and there is no where for me to go, no where for me to escape the anxiety I feel for such a trivial thing. I want to cry, I want to scream, but none of these emotions will come. I no longer find any pleasure in things that I love, and I want to, it just isnt there.
I want to say this is all caused by the monumental stress in my life. But I have always survived monumental stress, since I was born, I have lived with the fear of rejection, the fear of punishment, the fear of being lost, the fear of being abandoned... the list could go on and on. So why now, as an educated adult, are these fears paralyzing me?
I wish I knew.
The greatest fear of all is that this is something that will eventually take over me, and I will have no control. I struggle every day for control. I force myself to get up for a job that I love, because I cannot bear the thought of another day or going through the motions and no miracle will happen. I long for a miracle. Not a big one. Just something that will let me know, "you are needed here," or "you are wanted here," so I have a reason to be there.
Because right now the only reason I have for being here at all is my two beautiful children. They are the reason I go to work, to feed and clothe them. They are the reason I wake up, to see their smiles. They are the reason I go to soccer,and Cinderella auditions,and Girl Scouts and t-ball.
My anxiety is,will I always be here? whatwill happen if I do not stay in remission? It is very easy for those who have never been there to say, dont think like that, but unless you have been in my shoes, dont tell me what or how to rationalize.
They will go on without me and they will live amazing, wonderful productive lives. They may even get a new mommy who is wonderful and kind and loves them as much as any new mommy ever could.
But they would be doing it without me. And that's what makes me cry.