Thursday, October 8, 2009

summer is gone

The damp,sticky heat and the deep green leaves on the birches are gone. The long, lazy afternoons watching the hummingbirds feed and listening to the buzz of the bees in the raspberry bushes are gone. And something is wrong with me.
I never know why or when it happens. It has been a part of my makeup ever since I can remember. The sadness I feel is indescribable. At the mere mention of something out of the ordinary the panic begins to thicken in my throat and there is no where for me to go, no where for me to escape the anxiety I feel for such a trivial thing. I want to cry, I want to scream, but none of these emotions will come. I no longer find any pleasure in things that I love, and I want to, it just isnt there.
I want to say this is all caused by the monumental stress in my life. But I have always survived monumental stress, since I was born, I have lived with the fear of rejection, the fear of punishment, the fear of being lost, the fear of being abandoned... the list could go on and on. So why now, as an educated adult, are these fears paralyzing me?
I wish I knew.
The greatest fear of all is that this is something that will eventually take over me, and I will have no control. I struggle every day for control. I force myself to get up for a job that I love, because I cannot bear the thought of another day or going through the motions and no miracle will happen. I long for a miracle. Not a big one. Just something that will let me know, "you are needed here," or "you are wanted here," so I have a reason to be there.
Because right now the only reason I have for being here at all is my two beautiful children. They are the reason I go to work, to feed and clothe them. They are the reason I wake up, to see their smiles. They are the reason I go to soccer,and Cinderella auditions,and Girl Scouts and t-ball.
My anxiety is,will I always be here? whatwill happen if I do not stay in remission? It is very easy for those who have never been there to say, dont think like that, but unless you have been in my shoes, dont tell me what or how to rationalize.
They will go on without me and they will live amazing, wonderful productive lives. They may even get a new mommy who is wonderful and kind and loves them as much as any new mommy ever could.
But they would be doing it without me. And that's what makes me cry.

1 comment:

  1. Let me just tell you that when I got the news that you were diagnosed with cancer, and the idea stared me in the face that I might lose you, I couldn't handle it. How can I possibly convey how very much you ARE needed and wanted? I know we only see each other once a year or so, and even phone conversations are few and far between, but just having you in my life is invaluable. Love ya!